Robert Kelly is an American comedian and actor. He frequently performs at the Comedy Cellar. He often appeared on The Opie and Anthony Show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, and has also appeared on Last Call with Carson Daly, Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, and Premium Blend.
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I'm going to be on The Nasty Show as part of the Just For Laughs festival in Montreal - doing 11 shows from July 19th to 29th as part of a killer lineup of Godfrey, Yamaneika, Big Jay Oakerson, Jimmy Carr and hosted by Ari Shaffir
Buy tickets here: http://www.hahaha.com/en/show/nasty-show-0
Bobby, in this clip you went on an hour long rant, trashing a bunch of comedians. Did any of them get mad over this?
That was a great whale joke. Fucking bravo, great whale joke
Hi Bobby, #Big fan! How difficult is it shooting a scene for a show/movie when the set isn't near the ocean?
You're the worst fans in the world. Love you. But not that hard
Hi Bobby, I love you on the Chip Chipperson Podacast! Have you ever thought about doing stand up comedy?
No. That's a homerun you cock sucka
Hey Bob would you rather be on the Titanic or be forced to be on Opie's horrendous afternoon radio show?
BOBBY QUIT DODGING THIS QUESTION, THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW
Everybody knows I can't dodge anything
How difficult is it for you to not step on greggshells considering you weigh the best part of a tonne?
That's mean and hurtful
Hi Bobby, #Big fan! In Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, what messages were those aliens sending you?
I just spit my water out
When you eat a steak does it also make you crave cock?
Which fat are you on and how many fats do you have left?
Okay I am on my 7th fat, I have moved directly from the 6th. I did not go back down to the 5 skinny, I most directly to 7. I have 8 in me, only 1 to go
Do you really need 12 open mic comics on the same podcast?
First of all, no. Second of all, I only have 3 comics on - 3 limit.
They're not open mics, they're middlers
Do you feel you look like more of an albino orca, Lebanese house maiden, or morbidly obese Mexican?
I knew this was a bad idea but #2, a lebanese house maiden
If you had to pick one cast member from MTV's Jackass to have sex with your wife while you watch, who would it be and why?
Johnny Knoxville, cause I know his dick's broken
how's your knee man?
I broke my knee dude
*would you rather be yourself or Jim Norton
Hi Bobby, #Big fan! Was it troubling staying still on the flat bed when Jesse, Randolph and Rae were helping you escape from the park?
I really wanna laugh at that reference but I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. #gofuckyourmother #loveyou
Is there a correlation between rising ocean levels and your wading in the shallows?
Fb fans are awesome, reddit fans are trolls with different names. I get it, it's a moon joke. I'm as big as a planet, I get it
Would you rather be fat and dying or skinny with aids?
HI Bobby big fan. Is it true that Opie is rasping bam margeras son, and that his biological daughter is retarded?
This is too wordy, I don't even know what this means. Stop trying to get your point of view out there, just ask fun questions
Hi Bobby. I hope the answer to this is yes. Do you ever think about your miserable childhood and how your mother literally gave you away and get so sad that you eat even though you aren't hungry?
Your wish is granted. Yes
Now I'm going to get a sandwich
Who is the next BIG comedian to die, and why is it Artie Lange?
I love Artie I would never say that to him. Keep all the mean shit to me you piece of gaaaarbage
How hot does magnesium burn?
First off, how do you spell magnesium. But if I were to guess approximately 3100 degrees celsius
It produces intense white bright light when it burns
Why do you love food more than your child?
Stop with the fucking, stop getting real, don't make statements. Either be funny or fuck yourself
Yeah, how's your knee dude?
I broke my knee dude, it's doing fine
Do you get hard looking at sinks?
The right sink
Why do you pretend female comedians are funny?
Bonnie MacFarlene is one of the funniest comedians I know. Idiot. Yamaneika, who happens to be on the Nasty Show from the 19-29 - for tickets go to hahaha.com is hilarious, crazy funny.
Michelle Woolf is good. And Judy Gold is good
Do you think it's to late to change your characters name on SDRR to Lards Ulrich?
You're too wordy. Have someone punch that up and get back, there's something there
BOBBY!!! Question about your time on the show "Louie" - Were you on set when this scene took place? http://i.imgur.com/Mq62pPt.png
That was actually me, I had just gone back to Aruba
Who were you more scared to sit next to at the Cellar table, Patrice or Colin?
Patrice cause he's dead
How long does it take you to scrape the barnacles off your face every morning?
I get it it's a whale joke but too hacky, try harder
Hi Bawby, thanks for giving Chip Chipperson a spot on The Riotcast Network. He's a national treasure.
What happened with Sex, Drugs, & Rock and Roll?
You're welcome. It kills me to say you're welcome. He's the #1 show on Riotcast. Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll got cancelled, that's why I'm doing this
Do you actually do bang bangs in real life and if so what is your favorite cuisine pairing?
Yes unfortunately I have, it would have to be dinner then chinese
You've mentioned several diets in the past. What are you currently doing, if anything, to be healthy?
It's called the no sugar no grain diet unless you're at an airport in which case you can only eat sugar and grain
Is this your year? Are you finally going to make it?
No, absolutely not
Hi Bobby. I'm a huge fan and respect you as a human being. My wife is terminally sick and my family is having a really hard time coping. Do you have any words of encouragement?
I hope your fat wife dies. No I'm sorry, scratch that, I hope your whole family dies
I'm sure you've gained a lot of new fans here. My question is, is the festival exclusively for laughs, or is that just a marketing ploy?
That was too intelligent of a joke for me, dumb it down stupid
Bobby, what was the meanest thing Patrice ever said to you?
He said so many mean things. He's called me a fat lesbian, I dunno there's too many mean things to come up with
Joe List, Luis J. Gomez, Dan Soder...you need to fuck one, marry one, and kill one...which do you do which with?
Fuck Dan, marry Joe kill Luis even though he's got really great lips
If it was kiss marry fuck kill I'd kiss luis
Bullshit you told Colin you were on number 11 and then you commiserated about deserts and hotel mints. Just another #Big fan
Yeah I was being sarcastic you literal ass. One question per douchebag
what do you think it will take to leave your child without a father?
Lie - eggs whites with orange slices
Truth - two eggs sandwiches and a cuban cigar
Got my tickets to the Nasty Show, in your opinion, who will be the nastiest comic?
I don't know man, that's a good one. Probably Big Jay he's fucking disgusting
What was that weird noise you made getting out of the car that one time?
I don't know what that was, that was so weird
Hold my hand man?
Hold my hand dude
You're a delightfully lovable creep, Bobby. What was the meanest thing you said about Vos at the roast the other night?
Bonnie was dating Nathan Fillion from Castle and Firefly, and she dumped him and ended up marrying Vos. I put up a photo on the big screen of Fillion and read his credits. Firefly, Guardians of the Galaxy and a network ABC show with 170 episodes, 100,000 an episode
Then I read Vos' that started with Maxwell's and Poughkeepsie - what a bad choice she made
Will you dress up as Victor, the Just for Laughs mascot?
I think I already am. I look very similar right now. Just paint me green and take my clothes off
Were you drawing from personal experience with your scene in Sirens? It all seemed so real
Oh when I had the coke bottle stuck in my ass. No I've never used a coke bottle
Where’s your go-to places to hang in Montreal?
Stogies, over on rue and crescent. Love that place. Love Dunn's too, and the Hyatt, the 19th to the 29th. Go to hahaha.com for tickets
When was the last time you puked, and what was the cause?
When we had my kid, you have to change the diaper and it's either shit or piss and the shit is awful. We played shit roulette my wife and I, I got pee 6 times in a row. The next time, it was pee again and I was stoked. Then he immediately shat everywhere, threw up on me, then with my mouth open he peed in my mouth
My wife then peed her pants. True story