David Cross (2016)

Hours, and it was constantly needing retouching because I was never aware of how often one touches oneself. Even scratching or putting my fingers together, or resting my hand on something would mean I would have to reapply the makeup. It was awful. It took several showers and some industrial strength grease remover to get everything off, and I would wake up, and my pillow would still be blue.

Yes, hopefully. It's all about scheduling at the moment, but we both want to do it - as well as Netflix.

No, I'm not surprised at all. I think he's always shown potential to be a great dramatic actor. You can see elements of it in certain "Mr. Show" sketches. I think a lot of comic actors make exceptionally good dramatic actors.

Oh, thank you very much. Well, I got most of it, although the idea of Todd not being able to pronounce "Snooker" came from my real inability to not being able to pronounce it correctly, and people getting upset with me.

The first question - I don't think it ever will. Bob and I really weren't happy with the way it turned out. We loved the script, we loved shooting it, we tried several different ways of editing it, but it just never felt good or right. Not sure why, sometimes that happen.

Second question - Louis is a friend. I think it was just one of those "why not?" things.

Thank you very much. Not sure "delightful" is what I was going for, but I appreciate it. The word on the Hollywood street is that yes, there will be more Tobias in the near future.

...Maybe? (Strike coquettish pose)

Yes, he's running as Secretary of Defense in this current election.

Yes.

It was great. It was my first and only performance with them. They kicked me out of the band shortly after that. But the joke's on them, because I took one of their Hots.

Well, to be fair, tongue: Bob. Lip-biting: Patton. Now if you guys can give me five minutes, I gotta rub one out.

Cabot's Clothbound Cheddar. And close second is the cheese part of poutine.

Yes, when I was a kid in the backwoods of Georgia. There was a pear tree that gave me diarrhea. God, I miss that tree.

Probably get naked. I've done that a few times.

FARTS!!!!

Not so much anymore, but certainly in my earlier days. I had a person in Vermont back in the late '80s wait for me after a show, get in my face, poking me in the chest, saying, "You made fun of my best friend tonight!" He said it over and over again. I said, "What are you talking about?" And he said, "Jesus Christ. You made fun of Jesus. He's my best friend." I tried to kiss him on the mouth.

Agree to disagree.

That one was pretty fun. I did one recently with Seth Meyers, where I found out just before, that the host is not supposed to sit down until the guest sits down. So I remained standing, and sitting on the top of the couch, and everywhere else I could, before sitting down.

Oh God, yes. Many times. And I've certainly been the culprit plenty of times myself. The worst was in "Year One," I'm talking to Michael Cera and Jack Black, and the writer/director, Harold Ramis, kept over at the last minute - we shot the scene a couple of times - and came up with a convoluted parody of the line, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" - it was this long, protracted sentence. It the end of a long night of shooting, and I could not get through it without fucking it up. And when the 9th time became the 19th time, I would get the giggles and I was staring at Michael, who was three inches from my face, and as I would start sweating the line, he would say under his breath, "Oh no," which just made things worse. It's a terrible, awful feeling, and it's uncontrollable. You know you don't want to laugh, and nobody thinks it's funny, but you just can't help it.

Also, another example, when in 'Change for a Dollar,' in "Mr. Show," when Bob is on the golf course as the President, dancing around, you can see me shaking, as I try not to crack up.

Hillary Clinton? I am not a big fan, I never was. But she certainly will be getting my vote because of what's at stake. Jill Stein and Gary Johnson seem like different ends of the clown spectrum to me.

BOSTON!!!! Actually, it's New England Clam Chowder.

There were two different factions in Boston. There was the old-school guys who were all so brilliant, so professional. And then there were the newer, upstart young, punky kids like myself, Janeane Garofalo, Louis CK, Marc Maron, etc. A number of those comics could bridge those two groups. I wasn't one of them, although people were really supportive and nice to me - the comics, I should say. The comics were really nice to me. Every time I played at Nick's or Comedy Connection, I bombed pretty hard.

Book? No. Boat? Yes.

Paul F. Aukerman.

I am hoping to participate in the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. But...we'll see.

Well, I'm the bassist for Hot Hot Heat. I was also Rupert Murdoch's personal castrato for several years. I got to tour the world, ate amazing food, and got to see a lot of awesome evil.

Andy Kindler is probably the most classic example. And it would be somebody who is not pandering to the crowd, and whether verbally or subtly is peppering their set with references that comics would get and appreciate.

Probably the season finale of M * A * S * H

I guess I am nonplussed about it. But I can tell you where science ends and God begins - the third booth on the left at Katz's Deli.

No, but then again I thought that 12 years ago.

Perhaps what you couldn't see were the people, especially on the left side, who were yelling at me. Which is fine, that happens. But it got to be too distracting, and I would only take photos if there was an encore. So there are a handful of places where I didn't take a photo because there was no encore. It wasn't a punishment. I didn't tell anyone, "If you give me an encore, I'll take a photo." It just seemed logical.

Yes, very.

I don't remember where I had the idea, but below Hitler crying, his tears are forming clouds. And then below the clouds, they are forming rain, which nourishes a pastoral farm land with a happy farmer and a bounty of produce being grown, and that's my idea of how religion works.

Drink in moderation. Hydrate yourself. Pay attention to your knees. Always clean up your cum. And say hi to every third person you meet.

Mickey Mouse.

A couple of days ago, on the plane. I'm a plane crier. My dog is very arthritic and in a lot of pain. I started thinking about that and the possibility of having to put her down. I started tearing up. Also, I was listening to "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead, so the two of those combined made me tear up.

I would take it in a kind of South-by-Southeast direction. This would be after Hurricane Matthew is out to sea, though.

There's a guy in Canada named Mark Forward, who is really great, really inventive, clever, and funny. Also a British guy named Nish Kumar. Josie Long, another British comedienne. She's great. And if you ever, and I mean EVER, get the chance to see T.J. & Dave, who are usually in Chicago, but come to NY every couple of months...trust me. Drop whatever you are doing and make sure you absolutely go see them. It will, without hyperbole, change your life.

Being able to negotiate complex trade treaties between the UK and the EU. I'm more than a little miffed that I haven't been called yet.

My beard grew first. I grew into the beard. It took a while. It was awkward until I could learn to walk.

Not well.

Oh man, the best. He's got some amazing stories. And we've all been pushing him to finish up his memoir, which he's been working on. But yeah...it's pretty amazing.

I'm not sure. It was so long ago. But recently, at one of the shows, someone brought the book and had me sign it. They said they had gotten it off the Internet, but I am pretty sure the internet was even a thing yet when I got the book. I guess somewhere in LA? I don't know. Seems like something you'd might find at a bus stop.

Just all the fake characters I used to be able to do to open my set. I used to do all kind of things, like from a severely retarded comic to a deaf-mute comic to a very effeminate comic, who was doing standup for the first time who couldn't deal with the pressure. All the fake ways I would come out and open my set, and the people didn't know me, so they didn't know it was fake. It was really fun to reveal that I wasn't that thing. I miss that.

I guess fucking my dog. And/or playing video games.