Neil Strauss (2015)

I'm assuming in The Truth what you're referring to is cheating in my relationship. And the entire book is predicated, and the journey begins, based on the brutal guilt and remorse I felt for doing this.

As for my diagnoses, you will get them all by the end of the book. How about you - wondering, considering your former username, if that's an issue for you?

Impatience, with others, with the career, and with themselves.

Yes. And it was the best thing that happened to our relationship.

Now she knows everything: all my worst thoughts, all the worst things I've done.

And from there, from that total disclosure and transparency, we had incredible discussions that have led to an even deeper relationship.

I recommend it for any relationships: if not writing an actual book - telling your partner, compassionately, the things you're most afraid to share.

Warning: if they're REALLY devastating, have a professional therapist present. There's a process for this called 'disclosure.'

Thanks for taking the bait. Is the username a Robert Johnson reference?

And recognize that this 18 month NRE "chemical" thing is just your belief and experience. It's not true for everyone. The common denominator is youl

And here's one answer: You keep from parentalizing the other. People turn their partner into a parent, and then it's no surprise that they don't really want to have sex with them.

Examples: I'm afraid my partner/parent will abandon me.
I expect my partner/parent to rescue me.
My partner/parent is smothering me with neediness.

Here's an article I wrote on it in more detail:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/wellbeing/mood-and-mind/neil-strauss-truth-childhood-relationships-marriage-dating-problem-parents-family-advice/

Great. I keep a notebook in Evernote called MY WORD. And whenever I give my word, I write it down to make sure I'll keep it. Glad it's helped you and your relationships too.

And re: Emergency. Absolutely. In fact, Kevin Reeve of OnPoint Tactical is coming out here in December to train my friends in urban survival.

Glad you enjoyed the glowworms!

There is only one test: And that is YOU. Do you feel good about it? Do you feel that it's done? Do you feel ready to let it go?

Two things you can do to help see if it connects with an audience:

1. One thing that you can do, however, is read it out loud - in its entirety - to a (very patient) friend. Try to gauge where they lose interest, or it feels like they're bored or confused.

2. Give it to a select group of friends and readers to read. Encourage honest feedback.
   a. If their criticism is aligned with your doubts, then it may be something to note.
   b. If several people have the same criticism, they may have a point worth considering.

Good luck with the writing!

Sure, I'll have someone here post a few of the most common questions.

That's a hard question. The Game I felt was true to who I was ten years ago. The Truth is true to who I am today, so of course it's the one I'm most passionate about and recommend first. That said, at 18 and with little experience, perhaps the ideal scenario is that The Game leads to The Truth, as it did for me.

Yes, thank you for asking that.

1. Freedom: Internet blocking program. When I get to work, I type in how many minutes of "freedom" I want.

2. Intego Family Protector: I'm sure there are free alternatives, but I have it set to only allow me online for a limited amount of hours each day. I give someone else the password so I can't get around it.

The goal: to be proactive in your life, not reactive.

And to create systems to protect you from your own procrastination.

Glad you asked that. I anticipated someone might. So this is what I wrote in the acknowledgments of the book:

"Though there are countless competing theories, classification systems, and schools of thought dedicated to understanding and treating the human mind—many claiming that they are newer, better, or more scientific than others—all that ultimately matters is what works for you. So be open-minded and try everything for yourself firsthand rather than accepting received opinions, including mine."

Good question: I wouldn't tell him anything. I'd just listen to and support him.

If he doesn't learn the lessons on his own, from his mistakes, he would never learn them.

This is the way I think about it, though there's debate over whether sex addiction is a real disorder (not in the DSM) and over the diagnostic criteria (Patrick Carnes is the authority there).

The overall idea is if it's chronic, progressive, and has life-damaging consequences.

It was also explained to me as if you are using sex as a way to avoid or medicate uncomfortable emotions: shame, pain, anxiety. As well as if your pursuit of sex is harming you, your life, or others and their lives.

Haa, that was Mystery. And they certainly were.

Not at all. I definitely did. And being on the other side of that is a much happier, more solid, less needy place to be.

So many things. Sometimes someone is shattered after a divorce and wants to get comfortable socially again. Other times, someone is an exchange or visiting student who feels really out of place in a new country.

For me, and I think many others, whether they admit or not, it was insecurity.

That's a great question. I've interviewed a lot of ridiculously famous people for Rolling Stone, and they STILL feel like they "have to accomplish X before they can truly feel good about themselves."

So the answer is: If you are looking to something outside yourself to feel good about yourself, then you are giving away your entire self-esteem to an outcome you can't control.

Confidence comes from within. And from there, you can learn Competence in career, social skills, health, and the rest of what you mention.

Yes, even better. An editor once told me that writing profiles is about finding out "what makes people tick." And certainly The Truth showed to me the deep inner workings of that clock.

No, UncleBernhard, no.

Your whole happiness depends on you (not her). Once you can get that, you won't feel so jealous and vulnerable with her. And by all means, don't do what you're afraid she'll do to you (see other people--especially if you're doing it dishonestly).

Your jealousy seems to stem from a fear of abandonment. And as someone wise once told me: The only people who an be abandoned are children and dependent elders. Otherwise the only person who can abandon you is you.

Actually, most people tend to ask the same ten or so questions. So I wrote templates up for each question, and we send them to anyone who emails with those questions. If it's another question that doesn't fit into one of those categories, I try to answer it.

Thanks, leggomyeggo644. It was definitely Chuck Berry.

I was warned that if he didn't like me, the interview would just last a minute and he'd leave.

Instead, it was the longest interview he'd done in years. It went for hours, was even invited to his home--and we discussed not just the origin of rock and roll, but he started opening up about his sex life and personal life.

A true legend, and incredibly humble!

It's interesting. The Game has been used as everything from a sales training manual to a spy training manual (really). So I'd say it's all in there already. Think of it as a metaphor.

And I'd question that there's anything blissful about ignorance :)

Wait til you get to the last page, it comes back around.

To the best of my knowledge, no one in the books has ever been upset about being in the book. Even people not necessarily depicted in the most glowing terms. I've maintained relationships with most of them, even if it is sometimes just connecting via email every few months.

To me, the things depicted in the books are not just stories: they are my life.

Congratulations on your continuing transformation. So great to hear.

And my favorite movies are:
1. Night of the Hunter
2. The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
3. The Manchurian Candidate (John Frankenheimer original)

Yes, good question.

At the very least, I journal at the end of the day. Some days are so long that I'm literally typing as I'm half-falling asleep. But I have to ge t it down.

Other times I take notes on my phone as things are happening.

I also use the "peg system" mnemonic to memorize things.

Finally, when a book is in full swing, sometimes I'll ask for permission to record the conversations.

Let me ask you a question before I answer that:

Do you believe deep down that you are loveable?

In your case, and I'm not just saying this, I'd recommend The Truth. It sounds like your problems are related to self-esteem and your beliefs about yourself. The Game is about behavior; The Truth is about beliefs. And I can promise you that no amount of attention from women will make you happy.

So if I were you, I'd get happy without needing attention from women. And from there, I can guarantee you will start getting that attention.

1. I'd say it's not about the men you've seen, it's about you. The trust issues don't come from adult relationships, they come from childhood ones.

2. Sure, feel free to reach out via my website contact form.

And to answer your first question: I'd challenge the term of "settling down." If anything, life is more exciting than it's ever been.

Though, in full disclosure, one of the original subtitles of the book was going to be Settling Down Without Settling

I didn't know. I just knew that because of my pursuit of sex, I hurt someone who loved me and who I loved. So clearly sex was some sort of problem in my life. So I checked into rehab to find out why I'd do something like that.

I certainly found out.

If something is resonating here with this idea, Mr. PM Me Your Poop Plz, explore it. The question is: Who is in the driver's seat of your life? Are you running your life, or is there a compulsion running you? Do you have shame around it? Are you preoccupied by it? Are relationships being ruined by it? How about your relationship with yourself?

I have a lot of mixed feelings about the label, the community, and the diagnostic criteria for sex addiction, but look for the Sexual Addiction Screening Test online. See what comes up for you.

Thanks, FFF45. That's perfect timing.

In answer to the second question, I thought so too. But in a relationship, new issues popped up that opened up a whole new world of both dysfunction and improvement to me.

For the first question, which is really great, here's something I wrote about trauma that I couldn't squeeze into the book. But should answer it in detail:

"Think of the childhood pain and shame we store—and the dysfunctional behaviors and thoughts created by them—are like cancerous tumors attached to the heart by a short elastic cord. And when we go through deep therapeutic processes, we’re able for just a moment to pull that ugly tumor out of our chest and get a glimpse of who we really are without it, to see the difference between our authentic self and the reactive self who makes a mess of our life.

However, when the process ends, the elastic snaps back and the trauma fastens once again to our heart, until after a few hours or days or weeks back in daily reality, we can no longer tell the difference between our truth and our wounds.

But if we stretch the elastic enough times, eventually it will wear out. And when we release it, the load it’s carrying will no longer snap back into us, but instead hang outside limply, a passenger in our life but no longer in the cockpit."

Incredible comment, Krazox. Those are great goals for yourself.

I'd recommend doing a weekend Intensive. There are three places i recommend. Just email me via the contact form on my website, and I will get them to you today.

And i hear you on the budget: I'm talking with someone who helped me and is passionate about this struggle about doing scholarships. 99 percent sure he's going to do it, so just email. Will also add some free resources for "experiential" work.

Write the book you HAVE to write. The one that if you had a year left to live, you'd make sure to get it done.

And with the first draft, just write and don't stop to edit. Get it all out.

When you're done, somewhere in that mess of writing, will be your book.

Then start carving a great book out of it. The art is in the editing.

1. Yes. It's two weeks of work away from being done. A really intense music-related biography.

2. Yes. You know my time management system well.

(For those who don't, part of it is about automating daily, routine decisions -- derived from idea in the book Will Power that we have only a certain capacity for decision-making in a day, so this prevents decision fatigue--and saves time.)

Rather than convincing, I will just share my perspective:

The distance between me and The Game is ten years. It's a document of who I was and what I believed then.

I think if you read the new book, which is up to you, you will see what really motivated any changes: a quest for my own happiness.

And hopefully ten years from now, I'll be ten years wiser than whatever I publish today.

Yes. Also known as sexual anorexia. In a sense, it's the flip side of the same "intimacy disorder" coin as sexual addiction.

Thank you. And ha, you're going to have to have a long lifetime.

And I'm going to answer your question with a misquote from the book Woman in White by Wilkie Collins: The villain Count Fosco (I think that's his name), says that genius is organization.

So with a book like yours, it's all about organizing your thoughts into something readers can enjoy or digest. And without trying too hard to be funny or pound out the message. It will come through between the lines.

As I'm writing, I re-read your question. So one more thought:

Write the book exactly how you want to write it, with the personality you want to have in it. Then cut out all the fluff and you'll have your book.

A lot of writing questions here seem to be based on a fallacy that once it's written, it's permanent. It's only permanent once it's published. (And not even that if it's an e-book.)

I cannot answer on the grounds that I may humiliate myself further.

Thank you:

1. There's a great script that really captures the book. They did an incredible table read. Feels like it's close, but have no hard details.

2. Yes.

There should be shortly. This movie has been in development since even before the book came out. DB Weiss, who co-wrote/co-created the TV show Game of Thrones, did the first draft. So maybe we just need to add dragons.

Absolutely. I think in a bigger level, this is a stage of life we all go through. We date and explore our options, and then we commit.

So if you're feeling stuck along the way, or worried about "relapsing," it's worth exploring why. I'd guess it has to do with a fear. Before the book, I had a ton of fears and "what if" questions. I found that most of them were not only groundless, but were actually keeping me from happiness.

I haven't, but I enjoy his blog.

I can't say this one yet. Trying to convince Rolling Stone to do a cover story on this person.

I don't think human nature changes much. There's advice that's 2000 on love and romance and life that still applies today. So look for the timeless wisdom, not the passing trends.

Thanks so much. I've been working on the resources, want to really be rigorous about what I recommend. If you email via the website, I will give you three great places though to get started with.

Good luck on your own journey and self-discovery.

A lot of things that people fear will happen when talking to others almost never happen.

So a rejection in terms of a fight or a slap or a drink thrown in the face, never happened (that I can recall right now).

A rejection in terms of someone politely making an excuse (IHAB - I Have to go to the Bathroom or I Have a Boyfriend), that definitely happened.

But it's not a rejection, it's feedback, right.

Great question: at least you are aware of what's holding you back.

I'd say to figure out what your real fear is. And then battle it heroically. In other words: Is your enemy fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of not being enough?

And where does the fear come from?

If you can recognize the fear, identify the origin (which I promise is from explicit or implicit messages of your upbringing and nothing to do with you), then you can see it as the "lie" that it is and correct it with the truth.

There are other short term things you can do behaviorally, but this is the real journey. And you have time to take it.

In the meantime, let go of all desired outcomes -- and just engage in what you enjoy.

Someone suggested that I start a forum on my website where people can discuss the cache and the search. I'm shocked no one's found it yet.

So going to get that going! Seriously, it needs to get dug up.

Off the top of my head, James Joyce. And I'd ask a thousand questions about Ulysses.

Absolutely! Look up the paper on "eroticized rage" by Patrick Carnes. That will explain why associating sex with empowerment is a problem, as well as where it comes from.

First of all, so glad I can help.

The goal is not to be re-triggered by behavior that's picking at old wounds.

So:

1. Draw a boundary and verbalize it. For example: "When we talk about X, it gets in the way of my Y. So in the future, I'd like to request that we don't talk about X."

2. Whatever she responds with, make it clear that it's not something you can listen to.

3. When she brings it up, change the subject or end the call.

4. If she persists, maybe best not to communicate for a while.

As a mentor of mine once said: When you feel guilt around your parents (assuming they are not sick/in-the-hospital/etc), it's a good thing because it means you are doing the work of separation.

So good work.

There is no should. There is no worse.

The only answer is to do what is right for you (and doesn't harm others).

The only catch is you have to truly know yourself first.

Sweet Tooth.

Curious if you actually did the math to come up with 24 percent.

I'm glad you asked this: Love is acceptance.

So I would reframe your question as: "If my partner didn't want to read it, I would feel sad but I would accept their decision and not resent them for it."

As for your last, great question: If you want to have a healthy relationship, learning to accept your partner as they are is not a question or a choice, but a necessity.

Work only on yourself: work on acceptance. Embody all the qualities you want your partner to have. And I'd bet that once the pressure to "change" and the feeling that they're "not enough" for you as they are lifts, you might find the great, incredible, loving person who you've buried under the weight of your expectations.

By realizing that looks don't matter. How you FEEL about your looks is what matters.

See the stomach behind me in my Reddit verification image? The owner of that stomach is not limited in his attractiveness to others in any way by how he looks. Why? Because he accepts himself, and thus believes others will.

Read The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Good place to start.

The biggest change was the belief that I could change. I didn't realize that was possible before.

It never hurts to have a Plan B.

Yes, and I recommend it, was great for me. Though there are plenty of other great schools of self-defense/martial arts that others might recommend here.

Quick answers to your questions, RobbingWilliams:

1. It's essential.

2. I agree with you. The "women don't like nice guys" idea is a myth. When most guys are acting "nice," what they're really doing is being inauthentic and people-pleasing in order to be liked. So that's not being nice; it's being selfish.

3. Definitely driven and intelligent.

Thank you. And same to your life!

I think we could all stand to understand others, understand ourselves, understand communication, understand social and romantic relationships, and connect better.

1. Do what works best for you personally.

2. I think sometimes the community can take what's already wrong with someone and amplify it. Sounds like this happened to your friend. Obviously in the book, a version of this happened to me too. So hopefully he's just on the dark part of the path and soon gets out of it, especially as others in his life also start cutting him off.

Sounds overall though that you may be a little lost. Take a step back and figure out what you really need. Not what you want, but what you need.

Even that buddy, more recently, is starting to realize that there may be some stuff he needs to look into.

So sometimes a seed can get planted that grows later.

Congratulations, Guybrush (used to love those games). Happy for you both.

And Trekie88, here's another way to think about it. Don't think of "the one" as "the one forever." Just think of it is, "Is she the one for me right now in this moment." Projecting into the future is a good way to sabotage the present.

Sorry those two relationships didn't work out. Don't be hard on yourself: you did the best you could and now you can learn from it.There are many more relationships ahead of you.

You have a great attitude.

1. Step outside your comfort zone. Do that with people, scenes, food, music, travel, everything. The way to accelerate this is by having more interaction with people who are different than you. The key trait to have: curiosity.

2. I think that sounds right. Never say never.

Thanks, Hoopstaar620.

1. Absolutely. I saw an NLP-trained hypnotherapist, and she busted my head right open. There's also an NLP trainer named Mike Mandl who I have speak at events, and he'salso great.

2. It's hard to do it alone. If you can't afford an intensive weekend workshop, form your own "mastermind group." Have a small group of friends, meet weekly somewhere private, and discuss these things with each other. If you reach out to me, I can send guidelines on how to run a group like this.

I try to surf daily. In fact, this message may be my motivation to go do so right now.

And thanks, DM_Kevin, will do!

Thank you. It's in progress. And they have someone in mind, but it never hurts to reach out.