Fred Armisen (2015)

ALL. THE. TIME.

It's actually very nice, very sweet.

People will also post photos on instagram just saying Cacao. Like, all the time.

Cuz there must've been a million stories that just evaporated because of time.

I am not aware of this.

I will research it.

I'm always fine with it.

I'm going to adopt it as a name.

But "artisan" means... made slowly and carefully. Somebody who makes something slowly and carefully, with their bare hands. If it was chocolate, it would with powdered latex gloves.

Print it out, sign our names...

This message is an official CERTIFICATE!

I live in a brownstone in New York, in the village...

I'm Fred Artisan, and I create!

That'd be great.

I love those "animal friends" videos. Did you ever see the one of the Tiger & the Bear who are friends? They're adults now.

Monkeys with cats is interesting.

And then I have to move.

Carrie smells great.

I don't know why.

The President asked me once, through his advisors...

I would classify that as non-dumb.

I have a very flat back. It's a good workout.

2 Thumbs up! 4 thumbs up!

Yeah, they would want to be their publicists.

We're overly careful with them. But cats don't care.

Your chicken was... a friendly sort.

A dominant chicken in the chicken pecking order.

Why don't we give that one to you?

I think it's an innocent question. A sweet question. An American question.

And I think we have to continue with the AMA, so I can't get to the answer yet, but some other time.

Like "Do you want to see my record?" and then WHOA! it fell into an ice bucket!

Coincidentally, this is something that happens in season 5. And I'll just say that it's all about... making a video of a proposal.

I have a definite one and that is "No Olympics in Portland." We were supposed to run down the street with fake torches, saying "No Olympics in Portland", and for some reason we just kept on laughing.

It went to the level where the crew didn't find it charming. It was a simple thing to shoot, really simple.

I would say that person's probably already in your life.

That's like a Wizard of Oz answer, right?

OH!

A little aftershave. Very clean.

For some reason, I like the... eco-terrorists.

Or the gutter punks? A hat with a little wisp of hair?

I was never asked to do a monologue at your school, so...

But I'm open to doing it.

Does that still exist? it seems like something from the 1950's.

Immediately. As soon as we started coming with ideas, and performing, I saw it immediately.

I thought it was "Trace."

I've done that wrong before.

Sometimes I drive down the street in Portland, and I say This place is SOOO Portland.

It's a very, very intelligent question.

We get asked this all. The. Time.

We get asked at airports...

I wish my name was "Artisan." Fred Artisan.

I think we're in agreement on that.

But Jeff Goldblum is the most entertaining on the set. He really keeps everyone laughing, and is just... he's really great.

That's true. I don't think you have a bird on anything.

And Echo Park!

Robin Lopez.

I like Carrie's quote for that, so I am just going to leave it at that.

I was going to say GRANOLA with almond milk - hopefully nothing too sugary- also with blueberries, and almond milk, and really strong coffee.

And I delivered newspapers and worked at Taco Bell. I was 15 or 16? Newspapers was 15 or 14 even, I can't remember? Somewhere like 14,15,16, somewhere in there was Taco Bell. Taco Bell must've been 16.

I like Toro Bravo... what else is good? So many places?

There's a chocolate bacon one that's really popular, but it's actually really good.

I feel like a venus fly trap is the way to go for me, right?

The "Sleater Gin-y."

But there's no gin in it! That's the catch!

No, they don't appear this season, but someday we'll do it again.

Because somewhere in history, somebody decided the morning was a good time to work. I don't know why. We should all band together as humans and say We want to work at 10! Why are we doing this to ourselves!

I don't even know what I smell like.

What does Carrie smell like?

I'm having a hard time answering that.

I'll just say this: i always worry what I smell like. I want to smell good, I want to smell clean, but you know... sometimes it's 7 AM, and we're shooting...

So simple.

And I'm sure you can get marionberry pancakes somewhere around town. They are real berries.

I have a Republic one.

Boy, rest of your life?

I feel like... like Dave, from Captain Dave, is probably best at taking care of himself through the rest of his life, like medically, his house, he'll keep getting new things...

Highway 95. In the median.

He's a dream.

Funny, thoughtful, really seems to enjoy life.

Um... I think we had tremendous help from Rachael. Remember those little toasty things with the eggs? I want to say after we shot that episode, we actually did eat those eggs toast things. And I was actually hungry, so we ate it.

Oh yes! Vanessa Bayer, and Seth Meyers....and I think that's it!

I did, by mistake. I didn't realize - this was early on when Carrie had this idea for the sketch, and then I laughed, and then I went home and realized that my doormat was a black raven motif... and I felt embarrassed. I was like "Those dummies, putting birds on things" and then I realized i totally bought into it.

I would be water and ice cubes.

ponders

It would be called a "Frozen Marga-fredda."

I would not drink it. That's for other people.

"GO TO THE STUDENT CENTER... and march around, with your fist in the air, all day until dusk!"

OOOH!

Hmm.

What surprised me the most about the REAL Portland?

I would say... the shipping world. That there are these... ships that come in, that have to be very light, because the river is so shallow, so there are these tremendous ships that kind of go into - just down the river - I forget that Portland is named for that whole world of ships and shipping. I just never thought that would be a part of it.