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My special PAID REGULAR premieres tonight at midnight on Comedy Central. Also, I have a storytelling show starting on 1/22 every Thursday night on Comedy Central at 12:30am after @Midnight. The special is about mushrooms, the garbage TSA, morning blow jobs, and god. Ask me anything you want. I learned to type over 17 years ago, so I'm really good at it now.
What does Duncan Trussell taste like?
He tastes disgusting. He licked his fucking lips before we kissed. It was so gross.
What is the worst advice anyone has given you for being in show-business?
Ha! great question. I'm upvoting that.
Almost any advice other than try harder is the worst advice. Every path is different and what you should really be concentrating is not on making it but on figuring out what you want to do and then working on perfecting that. Fuck the idea of making it or business. You want to be a comic, be a comic.
Is Moshe still with Natasha? If not, who's your odds on favorite for next Jewy Comedian to bang her next?
Besides not apologizing for a joke, what do you think is the best way to keep internet PC activists from ruining comedy?
I think we have to go after their jobs. And we have to find their relatives and go after their relatives' jobs. I mean locate their fathers, find any inflammatory or slightly off color tweet or post, and contact their fathers' employers asking if they stand for that kind of behavior. Have hundreds of uninvolved people tweet at them and call and email the way they do to us. And really get someone they care about fired from their job.
Then they'll think twice before calling for the firing of a comic for words he's written. I think we shouldn't take it lying down any more. I think we need to fight back.
Would you ever consider not being so Jewish?
Blue cheese or ranch with wings?
Ranch. But please don't tell Joey Diaz. He'll seriously attack me.
What's the worst experience you've had with the TSA?
Do you still feel the same way about them? (as in the whole fuck them thing)
Also, did you ever manage to sneak anything past them?
I've snuck knives past them in my bag by accident all the time. And water bottles. They're garbage.
Steve Rannazzisi just had one drop his laptop on the ground and break the screen. So they don't offer us any actual security. And when they invade our space and property and break something, they don't have to pay for it or even apologize. And it's a government agency so we're allowing the law to make them better than us.
I went to Staples Center last night to watch the Lakers lose and they had security guards wanding everyone and making them step through metal detectors. They got the job done. And if they're super rude (which they weren't) you could tell their employer and they'd get fired for being a bad employee. Or you could say, I'm only going to Dodger games because the Laker's security is awful. But with the TSA, it's the government forcing us to do whatever they say.
You know those body scanners? Those are owned by the head of the TSA, Michael Chertoff. He owns the company and he was the one who said we needed to buy and use them. He made millions just so we can be invaded. Ben Gurion airport won't use those because they're too easy to beat if you know what you're doing. But he forces us all to go through it because he can make more money.
Fuck them. If you work for the TSA you're the enemy. You work for the enemy, you're the enemy. Get fucked.
Joe Rogan. You ever trip balls with him?
Damn. I don't think we've ever tripped together.
Can that be right? I'm texting him right now. That's kind of nuts but I think it's true.
Well, we'll have to correct that soon.
Have you ever thought of doing a tour with Bert Kreischer, and Joey Diaz?
Of course, but it's really hard getting 3 schedules together when we book dates up to 8 months in advance. We've been trying to get that done for a couple years.
Although it'd probably be Segura instead of Kreischer if it's in Canada because Joey can't get in to Canada and he's not going to do a road trip of more than 3 days.
What is the deepest you've gone with CoCo? Most banana bread slices eaten?
We took acid at a UFC one time. That was damn deep.
I have a bit about it in my special. If you hear the bit, the last guy in the story who didn't take acid was Redban. He just took a heavy pot cookie.
Hey Ari. Don Barris and I wonder what you think about the gay Italian movie star Perry Karamello?
Isn't that the guy who blew that casting director?
who would win the blacks or the whites?
Depends on the terms. Whites have the numbers and the money. So they'll be tough to beat.
Who do you think is the funniest person (Off the stage) in your circle of friends? Joey Diaz?
Great question. Diaz is definitely up there. Even when he's angry he's funny. And he's angry a lot.
Now that you have experience in both LA and NYC as a comedian. Where would you suggest a person relatively new to comedy go to get better and grow as a comedian?
I only have experience as a relatively new comedian in LA so I can't really tell you. The open mic scene in New York is completely unfamiliar to me.
But the more I got up, the better it was for my development. I know that.
Hi Ari. I've enjoyed your appearances on Comedy Underground and Ron & Fez. Is Fez as odd and withdrawn in person as he is when we hear him on the radio? Thanks.
Fez is super nice. He's definitely withdrawn. I think he's constantly busy battling his demons. But the reason no guest talks shit about him is because despite everything going on in his brain, he's always super nice and warm and makes you feel like you're a part of the place even when it's your first time on the show.
Who's idea was "the kiss" you or Duncan? What was the conversation that you two had leading up to that moment? how high on mushrooms were you guys?
Duncan didn't even take any mushrooms. He was stone cold sober on MDMA, beer, and pot tincture. I didn't have any beer, but I was in for the MDMA, pot tincture, and some shrooms. It was his idea. But as soon as he suggested it, we both knew it was the right thing to do.
How do you deal with social justice warriors and their quest to destroy all things funny?
My new thing is that every time they say a comic went too far on a subject and try to get them in trouble, all the comics should then tweet and say the most offensive things they can about that subject. Let them know fighting it will only make it worse.
I hear you're a good poker player. Where's your favorite place to play in Vegas and what stakes do you play?
I like tourneys. The problem is Vegas is a cesspool and I hate being there. And when I am there I have shit to do at night so I can't commit a day to a tournament.
But when I have, I've gone to the WSOP. I cashed once. That's a real tournament.
In LA, I really like Hustler. They have great formats. But it's been over a year.
What is the most awesome thing in your life?
If you ever come to Pittsburgh I am definitely going to your show.
I will never come to Pittsburgh. Fuck Pittsburgh. You should plant 700 bombs and then move out of there.
Loved nick dipaolos reaction to that vine,.
Hahaa. What was it?
Is it weird that people you don't know exist know so much about you?
I don't want to wear your skin or anything but like I've listened to you speak for hundreds of hours over a few years.
It is a little strange. For sure.
But it doesn't usually manifest into anything. And when it does, it's sometimes weird and sometimes results in me getting laid. So overall, it's not the worst.
But I'm an introvert, so I'd way rather be completely anonymous. Daft Punk is my ideal.
How fucking cool is Joe Rogan?
Very, very cool.
Ari what would you say is your favorite place that you have visited so far?
I hate the word "favorite" but China was cool as fuck.
Topic for the next 'This is Not Happening?'
Revenge. It's tomorrow at Riot Fest. But I think it's sold out or mostly sold out. Diaz, Madrigal, TJ Miller and Nick Thune.
Ari will you ever come to Scotland?
Yeah, I think I'm coming in August. I'm looking for a woman who can throw me over 40 yards.
What's the funniest set you have ever heard?
There were a few.
Joey Diaz late night in the main room talking about the drums from a Led Zeppelin song.
Sebastian in the OR on I forget what night.
Brian Holtzman's first set back after 9/11 (maybe the most poignant and hilarious comedy set I've ever seen. It was like watching Nirvana write Nevermind in 50 minutes.)
Diaz in the Original Room in front of a bunch of cops one night before Dave Mischevitz. Mischevitz bombed horribly. We all would have.
Brian Holtzman in the Main Room one night in front of 15 people. I was laughing so hard I almost barfed. For real.
JB Smoove at the HaHa Cafe on black night. I don't think I've ever cried from laughing that much. His bit about people who's bodies are too big for their jobs. That might have been the funniest. He was so good.
Out of anything I've heard you say, "there is no good weed in New York" is the most ridiculous. Were you kidding or did you really not find any of the great product NY has to offer?
They have some good weed but it's scattered. Even if you find a good weed guy, his next batch may or may not be any good.
I've had this conversation with 30 people. And they all say "My guy is good." But what they really mean is "weed is good."
Trust me, if you came to LA and you went to one of 7 or 8 of the finest dispensaries, you'd realize you've been smoking gutter trash for the last 10 years.
It's like when you're in Atlantic City and you say the gaming their is amazing. You just don't have the life experience.
Any big plans for Shroomfest this year? It will be my first year participating!
Also your new special is brilliant, thanks alot man.
I actually think I might be in Scotland this year for phroomfest. It's August 29-31 this year. I'm sure I'll answer some questions about what shroomfest is later on. But I think I'll maybe go to Ireland or something and do it in some tall grass.
Ever think about going to South America for comedy? Is that even a thing?
I'd love to. I want to keep seeing the world. If they have an English speaking audience, I'll go.
Hey Ari, love your stand up and when you go on JRE. Who do you think would win in a fight, a 7 billion lions, or all of humanity?
Depends on the battlefield. If you said Lions are now going to attack humans, I think we'd suffer heavy casualties but we have indoors, so we'd hide and eventually shoot and poison all of them.
But if it's on an open field, maybe 3 lions would die and that'd be the end of people.
What is the sleaziest thing you ever did to get laid?
One time this girl had mollescum contagium. Which is like warts but more easily curable. Any skin to skin contact meant I'd 98% get it. So I pulled my dick out of the hole in my underwear, put on a condom, and fucked completely covered.
And I didn't get it!!!!!!!
Hey Ari! Just popping in to say congrats on the new special and wonder if one day you'll lower your standards to come to the FunnyBone here in NE?
I know Burt has been here a few times and Tom is coming in three weeks.
I was there once opening for Joe Rogan when the UFC was in town. This was at least 5 or 6 years ago. And I'd actually love to go back. The club was great.
Hey Ari, you're awesome and I can't wait for your special to air tonight. Also I fucking loved you on The Anthony Cumia Show.
If Anthony asked you to be his permanent co-host, would you accept?
You two have amazing chemistry and you just had a really great appearance. Always funny, always interesting. I also really enjoy how you were a big O&A fanboy so watching you interact with Bobo is fantastic. Anyways, huge fan, man, keep doing what you're doing.
BTW the artwork for Paid Regular makes you look like a kind 20 year old.
I would be his semi-regular cohost but he lives in garbage ass long Island and I have very little interest in spending much time there.
Anthony is hilarious. Maybe the funniest radio guy of all time. Definitely funnier to me than the old man who owns the old network. He feeds you perfectly.
In an ideal world, he'd record in the East Village in the afternoon and I'd cohost with him twice a week when I'm not on the road. That would be tits.
Do you have foreskin envy? Will you circumcise your children?
Is "circumcise" the thing you do when you have a procedure to get rid of the fetus? Because yes, I'll definitely keep doing that to my children.
Love your stand up and podcast, saw you last time you came through Minneapolis. Paid Regular is fantastic!
Any dream travel spots, now that you've been all over Europe and in China?
Keep doing you man, you're a huge inspiration for other artists.
I definitely want to play France. And I REALLY want to do some shows in Mexico city. And I gotta go to Thailand on vacation.
What's the best and worst parts about being a comic?
Best part is waking up late. Worst part is travel.
I don't know if that's really the best and the worst, but they're definitely good things and bad things.
Hey ari, not sure if you remember but I gave you a breath strip last week in San Francisco after your wednesday show. But by question is how are supposed to consume it? did it work for you?
Lady said it was supposed to work instantly but it didn't kick in till you came on stage
Edibles take 45 minutes to an hour ON AVERAGE to kick in.
Breath strips go under the tongue to dissolve for greatest efficacy.
Who taps out first ina smoking session between doug benson, joey diaz, Duncan trussell and yourself?
Duncan. His one ball gives him a lower tolerance.
Do you have plans on taking the podcast on tour?
[Chicago wouldn't mind]
Looking forward to another successful mushroomfest ;)
They keep pushing me to do live podcasts but I don't know. What do you guys think? I kind of feel you won't get into anything deep if you're in front of a bunch of people listening. But one on one, you can kind of forget that it's being recorded and really open up. So I don't know. I did one in Montreal that was pretty fun with Brody and Madrigal and Metzger. But I don't know.
Seriously, what do you guys all think about it?
Ari my son is also named Ari, any advice for him as he grows up going to school in the inner city with that name?
When did you realize you could be a comic? How long did it take you to get up on stage?
I had it in the back of my head from about 9th grade until after college. In high school, my friend Ami Butler told me I should be a comedian and it stuck in my brain.
I didn't get on stage until I was about 22 and that was only once at some open mic in northern Virginia. And then a few more years passed until I graduated from Maryland. And 2 months after I graduated, I said fuck it and moved to LA to become a comic.
Is there or will there be a hard copy of Paid Regular available?
Ps thank you for your stand up and your podcast you have made my life better
I don't think so. Maybe I'll do a vinyl. But DVDs are done as a medium.
Ari, thanks for all you do for comedy and I am excited for your new one hour!
I saw you in Buffalo last year and hope you come back soon.
My question is: who can we expect to see on This Is Not Happening season 3?
Corrdry, Rogan, Kreisher, Big Jay, Rannazzisi, Maron, Scheer, Ms Pat, Bobby Lee, Keegan, Ralphie, Iliza, and a bunch of people you might not have heard of but some of them (especially Ali Siddiq) told amazing stories.
What's your favorite episode of skeptic tank? Is there a specific episode in the back catalog you would recommend?
There's a bunch. But Nuthouse with Brody Stevens just popped into my mind. All the Danish and Oneill ones. I think 101: Going Blind with Tom Segura. Prostitutie Fruitie.
Thank you for coming to Montreal in December. I saw the later show and you killed it!
We remembered hearing in your podcast that you lost all your edibles which is a huge bummer. We were going to offer you a purple kush brownie but we were afraid it'd be way weird. Is it weird to gift a stoner comedian an edible as opposed to just a big nug?
It is not weird. Most comedians would appreciate it. But if it's home baked, some of them could get weird because they don't trust the source.
Yo Ari, what's up. It's Joey, that guy from Houston who flew in to be an extra for the TINH intros. I want to know the scariest or most impactful hallucination you've had while on psychedelics, either mushrooms or acid?
By the way, watched the special last night and it was really good. Congrats man.
Joey the guy who's in the intro of both seasons of This Is Not Happening!
My hallucinations aren't that impactful. My wandering thoughts are what gets me the most. And it's hard to describe, but there was a feeling once of being the same as everyone else. That any of my benefits were just luck and any weakness in others is just their bad luck. But we're all the same. It's hard to hold onto the thought.
So many questions. If you know anybody who's thinking of doing it, please have them call me. I'd love to be in the room while they do it, too. That would be an amazing podcast.
Two things. First cant wait to see the special tonight. Second how were you Abe to get comedy central to give you so much control over the specia? Ie location, editing, and early release.
Just know what you want. If you know what you want, asking for it isn't a favor. If you know the best directions to get somewhere it's easy to tell people about your shortcut. Because you know. But you have to know.
I know certain things that I want. Everything else I trusted other people to give me their expertise.
Do you think we are in the equivalent of the 80's comedy boom?
Yeah. It's great right now. Even people who don't know you still know what comedy is and how they're supposed to act in the audience. It's been great the last few years.
It's totally because of podcasts and all the references we make to comedy shows. After a while, that just goes into the zeitgeist.
I obviously don't know what zeitgeist means.
When was the best time either you or a fellow comedian verbally destroyed a heckler? Can we get the story?
My friend did it at the Laugh Factory once. His name is Michael Richards.
What role does cannabis play in your life? Could you relate it to that of coffee?
I think it's pretty close to coffee, actually. Great comparison. And in Amsterdam, the weed places are all called coffee shops.
I like it. But I don't take to be a better writer or anything. It sometimes results in that, but I take it feel good. And it goes great with delicious food.
Ari, What city has the best weed?
San Francisco. Denver is a close second. Seattle and LA are tied for 3rd. Amsterdam is actually around 10th. Copenhagen is surprisingly high up.
Worst country for weed is Australia. And I've been to China where trafficking weed is punishable by death.
Hello Ari I've been a big fan of yours ever since my brother showed me all of your amazing racist bits. I also really love your podcast!
My question is will your special be airing tonight in Canada? I checked my guide and all I see is an Amy Schumer special.
Also whats it like working with Pauly Shore?
I don't think it's airing in Canada tonight. But you can download it on AriShaffir.com.
Hopefully, I'll find a way to get it to air in Canada but I don't know one yet.
Hi Ari. Fuck you.
What are your thoughts on "making it" in standup outside of New York and LA? Can a comedian in a medium-sized city make it big without the help of the comedy scene in those cities?
Making it is when you're earning a living doing the standup that YOU want to do.
What you think of making it is not real. Ray Romano is still looking for other jobs. The only thing to worry about is your art. The rest is just feeding yourself.
Ari, planning on sticking with your flip phone?
I actually also dislike smartphones, prefer for example Nokia 515, does the job, simple, good camera.
The flip phone sucks but I'm planning on sticking with it. At least for a while. What I really want is a full keyboard, though. But the only keyboard ones I saw have Twitter and Facebook apps standard, and then I'm back to the same problem.
I need an old EnVy that works on the current 4G network.
Two questions: Why don't you have a wikipedia page!?! And are you still a practicing Jew?
I used to have one but they deleted me for not being relevant.
That means they went out of their way to get rid of my page. Hahahaha. Oh well.
Luckily it doesn't really matter and nobody is going to Wikipedia to find out any info about me. I'm not a fighter or a politician so nobody would go to wiki to find out about me.
no love for Vancouver?
HAHA yea, i was at your standup act in Vancouver recently were you touched on those points
Vancouver is the best in Canada. Maybe the far east coast, but I've never been there. Vancouver is definitely top 10 in the world.
This little nokia has "social apps", but its so small there's no point of using that shit. Screen is good enough to view pics sent by friends, its a kinda compromise between the two worlds. Just turn off all data on you number and you're golden :)
Nope. Then you still have the two hours in bed wasted every morning while you're on wifi.
Have you ever tried acid?
Watch my special tonight on Comedy Central at midnight/11 Central. I have a whole bit about it.
I have a feeling some TSA folks are going to see happy to see you in the airport.
Yeah, because they love abusing their power. Treating people as enemies who question the power given to an untrained goon, well that just justifies and strengthens the resistance.
Remember the guy who shot up a TSA in LA a couple years ago. That was one of the first shots fired in the revolution. I applaud his courage.