Ari Shaffir (2015)

He tastes disgusting. He licked his fucking lips before we kissed. It was so gross.

Ha! great question. I'm upvoting that.

Almost any advice other than try harder is the worst advice. Every path is different and what you should really be concentrating is not on making it but on figuring out what you want to do and then working on perfecting that. Fuck the idea of making it or business. You want to be a comic, be a comic.

Hahaha

Serious answer:

I think we have to go after their jobs. And we have to find their relatives and go after their relatives' jobs. I mean locate their fathers, find any inflammatory or slightly off color tweet or post, and contact their fathers' employers asking if they stand for that kind of behavior. Have hundreds of uninvolved people tweet at them and call and email the way they do to us. And really get someone they care about fired from their job.

Then they'll think twice before calling for the firing of a comic for words he's written. I think we shouldn't take it lying down any more. I think we need to fight back.

Hahaha!

Ranch. But please don't tell Joey Diaz. He'll seriously attack me.

I've snuck knives past them in my bag by accident all the time. And water bottles. They're garbage.

Steve Rannazzisi just had one drop his laptop on the ground and break the screen. So they don't offer us any actual security. And when they invade our space and property and break something, they don't have to pay for it or even apologize. And it's a government agency so we're allowing the law to make them better than us.

I went to Staples Center last night to watch the Lakers lose and they had security guards wanding everyone and making them step through metal detectors. They got the job done. And if they're super rude (which they weren't) you could tell their employer and they'd get fired for being a bad employee. Or you could say, I'm only going to Dodger games because the Laker's security is awful. But with the TSA, it's the government forcing us to do whatever they say.

You know those body scanners? Those are owned by the head of the TSA, Michael Chertoff. He owns the company and he was the one who said we needed to buy and use them. He made millions just so we can be invaded. Ben Gurion airport won't use those because they're too easy to beat if you know what you're doing. But he forces us all to go through it because he can make more money.

Fuck them. If you work for the TSA you're the enemy. You work for the enemy, you're the enemy. Get fucked.

Damn. I don't think we've ever tripped together.

Can that be right? I'm texting him right now. That's kind of nuts but I think it's true.

Well, we'll have to correct that soon.

Of course, but it's really hard getting 3 schedules together when we book dates up to 8 months in advance. We've been trying to get that done for a couple years.

Although it'd probably be Segura instead of Kreischer if it's in Canada because Joey can't get in to Canada and he's not going to do a road trip of more than 3 days.

We took acid at a UFC one time. That was damn deep.

I have a bit about it in my special. If you hear the bit, the last guy in the story who didn't take acid was Redban. He just took a heavy pot cookie.

Isn't that the guy who blew that casting director?

Depends on the terms. Whites have the numbers and the money. So they'll be tough to beat.

Great question. Diaz is definitely up there. Even when he's angry he's funny. And he's angry a lot.

I only have experience as a relatively new comedian in LA so I can't really tell you. The open mic scene in New York is completely unfamiliar to me.

Sorry.

But the more I got up, the better it was for my development. I know that.

Fez is super nice. He's definitely withdrawn. I think he's constantly busy battling his demons. But the reason no guest talks shit about him is because despite everything going on in his brain, he's always super nice and warm and makes you feel like you're a part of the place even when it's your first time on the show.

Duncan didn't even take any mushrooms. He was stone cold sober on MDMA, beer, and pot tincture. I didn't have any beer, but I was in for the MDMA, pot tincture, and some shrooms. It was his idea. But as soon as he suggested it, we both knew it was the right thing to do.

My new thing is that every time they say a comic went too far on a subject and try to get them in trouble, all the comics should then tweet and say the most offensive things they can about that subject. Let them know fighting it will only make it worse.

I like tourneys. The problem is Vegas is a cesspool and I hate being there. And when I am there I have shit to do at night so I can't commit a day to a tournament.

But when I have, I've gone to the WSOP. I cashed once. That's a real tournament.

In LA, I really like Hustler. They have great formats. But it's been over a year.

I will never come to Pittsburgh. Fuck Pittsburgh. You should plant 700 bombs and then move out of there.

Hahaa. What was it?

It is a little strange. For sure.

But it doesn't usually manifest into anything. And when it does, it's sometimes weird and sometimes results in me getting laid. So overall, it's not the worst.

But I'm an introvert, so I'd way rather be completely anonymous. Daft Punk is my ideal.

Very, very cool.

I hate the word "favorite" but China was cool as fuck.

Revenge. It's tomorrow at Riot Fest. But I think it's sold out or mostly sold out. Diaz, Madrigal, TJ Miller and Nick Thune.

Yeah, I think I'm coming in August. I'm looking for a woman who can throw me over 40 yards.

There were a few.

Joey Diaz late night in the main room talking about the drums from a Led Zeppelin song.

Sebastian in the OR on I forget what night.

Brian Holtzman's first set back after 9/11 (maybe the most poignant and hilarious comedy set I've ever seen. It was like watching Nirvana write Nevermind in 50 minutes.)

Diaz in the Original Room in front of a bunch of cops one night before Dave Mischevitz. Mischevitz bombed horribly. We all would have.

Brian Holtzman in the Main Room one night in front of 15 people. I was laughing so hard I almost barfed. For real.

JB Smoove at the HaHa Cafe on black night. I don't think I've ever cried from laughing that much. His bit about people who's bodies are too big for their jobs. That might have been the funniest. He was so good.

They have some good weed but it's scattered. Even if you find a good weed guy, his next batch may or may not be any good.

I've had this conversation with 30 people. And they all say "My guy is good." But what they really mean is "weed is good."

Trust me, if you came to LA and you went to one of 7 or 8 of the finest dispensaries, you'd realize you've been smoking gutter trash for the last 10 years.

It's like when you're in Atlantic City and you say the gaming their is amazing. You just don't have the life experience.

I actually think I might be in Scotland this year for phroomfest. It's August 29-31 this year. I'm sure I'll answer some questions about what shroomfest is later on. But I think I'll maybe go to Ireland or something and do it in some tall grass.

I'd love to. I want to keep seeing the world. If they have an English speaking audience, I'll go.

Depends on the battlefield. If you said Lions are now going to attack humans, I think we'd suffer heavy casualties but we have indoors, so we'd hide and eventually shoot and poison all of them.

But if it's on an open field, maybe 3 lions would die and that'd be the end of people.

One time this girl had mollescum contagium. Which is like warts but more easily curable. Any skin to skin contact meant I'd 98% get it. So I pulled my dick out of the hole in my underwear, put on a condom, and fucked completely covered.

And I didn't get it!!!!!!!

I was there once opening for Joe Rogan when the UFC was in town. This was at least 5 or 6 years ago. And I'd actually love to go back. The club was great.

I would be his semi-regular cohost but he lives in garbage ass long Island and I have very little interest in spending much time there.

Anthony is hilarious. Maybe the funniest radio guy of all time. Definitely funnier to me than the old man who owns the old network. He feeds you perfectly.

In an ideal world, he'd record in the East Village in the afternoon and I'd cohost with him twice a week when I'm not on the road. That would be tits.

Is "circumcise" the thing you do when you have a procedure to get rid of the fetus? Because yes, I'll definitely keep doing that to my children.

I definitely want to play France. And I REALLY want to do some shows in Mexico city. And I gotta go to Thailand on vacation.

Best part is waking up late. Worst part is travel.

I don't know if that's really the best and the worst, but they're definitely good things and bad things.

Edibles take 45 minutes to an hour ON AVERAGE to kick in.

Breath strips go under the tongue to dissolve for greatest efficacy.

Good luck.

Duncan. His one ball gives him a lower tolerance.

They keep pushing me to do live podcasts but I don't know. What do you guys think? I kind of feel you won't get into anything deep if you're in front of a bunch of people listening. But one on one, you can kind of forget that it's being recorded and really open up. So I don't know. I did one in Montreal that was pretty fun with Brody and Madrigal and Metzger. But I don't know.

Seriously, what do you guys all think about it?

Learn jiu-jitsu.

I had it in the back of my head from about 9th grade until after college. In high school, my friend Ami Butler told me I should be a comedian and it stuck in my brain.

I didn't get on stage until I was about 22 and that was only once at some open mic in northern Virginia. And then a few more years passed until I graduated from Maryland. And 2 months after I graduated, I said fuck it and moved to LA to become a comic.

I don't think so. Maybe I'll do a vinyl. But DVDs are done as a medium.

Corrdry, Rogan, Kreisher, Big Jay, Rannazzisi, Maron, Scheer, Ms Pat, Bobby Lee, Keegan, Ralphie, Iliza, and a bunch of people you might not have heard of but some of them (especially Ali Siddiq) told amazing stories.

There's a bunch. But Nuthouse with Brody Stevens just popped into my mind. All the Danish and Oneill ones. I think 101: Going Blind with Tom Segura. Prostitutie Fruitie.

It is not weird. Most comedians would appreciate it. But if it's home baked, some of them could get weird because they don't trust the source.

Joey the guy who's in the intro of both seasons of This Is Not Happening!

My hallucinations aren't that impactful. My wandering thoughts are what gets me the most. And it's hard to describe, but there was a feeling once of being the same as everyone else. That any of my benefits were just luck and any weakness in others is just their bad luck. But we're all the same. It's hard to hold onto the thought.

So many questions. If you know anybody who's thinking of doing it, please have them call me. I'd love to be in the room while they do it, too. That would be an amazing podcast.

Just know what you want. If you know what you want, asking for it isn't a favor. If you know the best directions to get somewhere it's easy to tell people about your shortcut. Because you know. But you have to know.

I know certain things that I want. Everything else I trusted other people to give me their expertise.

Yeah. It's great right now. Even people who don't know you still know what comedy is and how they're supposed to act in the audience. It's been great the last few years.

It's totally because of podcasts and all the references we make to comedy shows. After a while, that just goes into the zeitgeist.

I obviously don't know what zeitgeist means.

My friend did it at the Laugh Factory once. His name is Michael Richards.

I think it's pretty close to coffee, actually. Great comparison. And in Amsterdam, the weed places are all called coffee shops.

I like it. But I don't take to be a better writer or anything. It sometimes results in that, but I take it feel good. And it goes great with delicious food.

San Francisco. Denver is a close second. Seattle and LA are tied for 3rd. Amsterdam is actually around 10th. Copenhagen is surprisingly high up.

Worst country for weed is Australia. And I've been to China where trafficking weed is punishable by death.

I don't think it's airing in Canada tonight. But you can download it on AriShaffir.com.

Hopefully, I'll find a way to get it to air in Canada but I don't know one yet.

Making it is when you're earning a living doing the standup that YOU want to do.

What you think of making it is not real. Ray Romano is still looking for other jobs. The only thing to worry about is your art. The rest is just feeding yourself.

The flip phone sucks but I'm planning on sticking with it. At least for a while. What I really want is a full keyboard, though. But the only keyboard ones I saw have Twitter and Facebook apps standard, and then I'm back to the same problem.

I need an old EnVy that works on the current 4G network.

I used to have one but they deleted me for not being relevant.

That means they went out of their way to get rid of my page. Hahahaha. Oh well.

Luckily it doesn't really matter and nobody is going to Wikipedia to find out any info about me. I'm not a fighter or a politician so nobody would go to wiki to find out about me.

Vancouver is the best in Canada. Maybe the far east coast, but I've never been there. Vancouver is definitely top 10 in the world.

Nope. Then you still have the two hours in bed wasted every morning while you're on wifi.

Watch my special tonight on Comedy Central at midnight/11 Central. I have a whole bit about it.

Yeah, because they love abusing their power. Treating people as enemies who question the power given to an untrained goon, well that just justifies and strengthens the resistance.

Remember the guy who shot up a TSA in LA a couple years ago. That was one of the first shots fired in the revolution. I applaud his courage.