Chris Rock (2014)

I would LOVE to tour with Kevin, that would be a lot of fun. I don't know what we would call it. It would probably NOT be "Between a Rock and a Hart Place." But if Kevin wants to tour, I'd get ready.

I'm pretty happy being me.

That's not to say I don't have my own little demons, but I don't foresee myself going anyplace dark right now.

My kids save me from that stuff. I'm good.

The smartest SNL cast member was Adam Sandler, by far.

People are going to know this - when I got hired, Adam was hired as a writer, he wasn't even hired as a cast member. And he was smart enough to write stuff for other people AND write stuff for himself at the same time. Made himself indispensable. Made himself into a star. Smartest guy I know.

I remember a midget girl hit on me one night.

She came up to me, at a club, I forget what city - it was getting late - and she asked what hotel I was staying at, and I said I was married, and she said "Can't blame a bitch for trying!"

That was funny.

First of all, I didn't retire the bit because of anything. I retire everything after I do it on TV. People never really respond to jokes twice, you know? Humor is about surprise.

Race in America, I mean, you know, there's progress and then there's setbacks. Since "Bring the Pain," it's a different world, obviously. That was 1996. A lot's happened since '96. I'd say it's a better world.

I get it a lot? I get it a lot with sex stuff. I've had like, you know, taking my kids to school and other kids' moms tell me their favorite positions and stuff, just telling me very inappropriate sex things. It can be a little like "Whoaaaa, okay."

I'm not sure. It was either "Head of State" or "Pootie Tang." And the other writers, I'm not sure. I wish I could tell you. I'd say Frank Sabastiano was probably one of 'em, and maybe Lance Crouther, and Jimmy Tingle. It was probably "Head of State."

I definitely believe in bullet control. It's the sad thing that America does not believe in bullet control. But I will champion that movement.

Wow, that's a big heavy thing. Fear of provocation is probably NOT just for comedy. I mean, anybody that doesn't want me - I like venues that like me, I don't have time for people that don't want me to perform. Everybody has a right to do what they want, and a campus doesn't want me to perform, that's fine.

I don't know. I mean, I think Hannibal thought he was doing a joke to the people in the room? I don't think he thought all of this would happen.

I remember the ribs being actually good that day. I remember actually eating the ribs several times.

It was a real rib joint. It wasn't a movie set.

I like all of it. I mean... comedy's not a brand. You can't just be standup or sketch. There's a lot of great people out there doing really funny work. So I'm up for all of it.

Pookie was a good crackhead.

One of the greatest crackheads of all time. No one smoked as much crack, or as well, as Pookie.

Let's hope he's smoking crack at the big crackhouse in the sky.

There was no sense of that on the set. I mean, we all were depressed on Beverly Hills Ninja. So we were ALL depressed. It wasn't a great representation of anybody in it.

"Meet the Parents." There was NO De Niro at the time! There you go!

I think the dentist moved... and now my neighbor owns a tile company.

I had a good time working on Dogma, with Kevin and the guys. The only thing I remember about it was being naked for a LOOONG time on the ground... I fall out of the sky naked, so...

My favorite comedian of all-time is probably Richard Pryor. He's the most raw, he's the most honest, and he's the funniest.

My favorite NEW comedian? I don't know how new he is, but every time I see Jim Gaffigan, I laugh and laugh. I love seeing him on TV, hearing him on comedy radio stations, guy just makes me laugh.

I don't have any Chris Farley pooping out of windows stories.

I have a couple "vomiting out of window stories" but no "pooping out of windows" stories.

Chris was known to vomit, from time-to-time, and the great thing 'bout it was, he'd be messed up before he vomited and then as soon as he vomited... he'd be back to normal. It was kind of a "reset" button. "OH, Chris is back!"

I'm a big Woody Allen fan. I'm a big Alexander Payne fan, Paul Thomas Anderson... Soderbergh... but probably Woody more than anybody. People are calling TOP FIVE "Woody-ish" but if you're not stealing from Woody, you're not doing anything, you know? If you're not stealing from the Beatles, you're not making music!

And I liked it, but it takes me away from my kids for long periods of time. I'd do it sporadically, but I don't know if I'll do it anytime soon.

My favorite breakfast food?

I really just like a bowl of pineapple, to tell you the truth.

I just like some fruit in the morning.

Some pineapple and a side of bacon.

Let's see, me and Chris Tucker. He would win, he outweighs me by about 40 pounds, I guess.

It's not really a Vegas fight, probably Mississippi somewhere, with a riverboat casino. It would probably cost you about $30 to be there. Neither one of us are fighters. But he would win.

I wouldn't mind doing more music stuff. I did a sketch with Kanye on the Beautiful Twisted Fantasy album. I guess that was the last time I did anything musical. But yeah, I would love to. Haven't done an album in a while because no one's buying albums anymore.

My favorite sandwich - I can't even eat it anymore because I'm allergic to shrimp- but at the Cheesecake Factory, they have a shrimp and bacon sandwich, which is the most delicious sandwich ever. I highly recommend it.

I'm doing research on another Hair documentary. So maybe that'll happen. Writing another movie, writing some stand-up, so at some point, the next 3-4 months, I'll see which one is ready to go. And then I'll choose.

I really like orange tic-tacs. I wouldn't describe it as love.

I mean, I like all tic-tacs. There's no such thing as a bad tic-tac.

I don't know? Would it be called "Re-Election" or something?

Maybe.

I'm open to ideas!

How would i survive a zombie apocalypse?

I don't know. I would probably disguise myself as a zombie, and start killing zombies. I would be a predator mega-zombie. Yeah, that's it.

I don't know. 2 weeks ago, 3 weeks ago? If you get your iPod, it's pretty high up there, it's in the A's.

Kind of a perfect pop record. Sounds great.

I like spicy food!

My favorite thing to eat is probably soft-shell crabs from the Ivy in LA. Paging soft-shell crab...

If I didn't go into comedy, I'd probably work at UPS or Fedex. I'd be the funny Fedex guy. But that would be what I'd be doing, probably.

Let's see.

I guess an iPod. Not even an iPod, an iPad, because you get music AND a book, so you can read!

I already said how much I love pineapple, that'd be a good food.

And I don't know. This is a fantasy right? Whoever the funny supermodel is. Kate Upton with a sense of humor.

I don't know. I mean, yes, I think it helps people become aware of things and that's good. I don't know if it changes anything, but awareness is pretty good. So it helps people become aware of certain issues.

I prefer Starbucks. You know. But Star Trek's pretty good too.

I'm not the tech-y guy!

My favorite actor growing up... probably Eddie Murphy.

I'm not sure. It was SO long ago. I was only going to do it cuz Tim Burton was directing. In most Superman movies, Jimmy Olsen's tied to a chair while Superman's out there doing the real work. He never gets the girl. But, you know, when the director of Pee-wee's Big Adventure calls, you just say yes!

I always have good shows in Toronto. And I always have weird shows in Montreal. Well, Montreal's French-Canadian.

But I love playing Toronto, and Winnipeg, and pretty much everyplace. But Montreal's always hard.

I would say my favorite pair of Chuck Taylors are the ones I'm wearing right now. That's the beauty of them: they always feel good. They're like legal slippers. Like you can wear them. You can get away with it.

Haven't broken out the Altima in a while. Still got it. But maybe i need a new carburetor or something.