Jon Stewart (2014)

Right?

It's really the height differential that keeps us from consummating.

I would love to answer your question.

But I cannot see it because of the strange watering in my eyes.

I'm not crying. I'm sure it's because my shirt is made of onions.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

My greatest joys on the show were trying to make Stephen break, or the other correspondents. Because you felt as though you had accomplished something somewhat Herculean. It's not easy to tickle those folks, but when it happens, you savor it.

It really was not my intent to be disruptive. I truly thought we'd have a goof about how terrible the program is at the top, and move on, but... the combination of their obstinance and my low blood sugar led to no bueno.

I want you to get get the fuck off my stage.*

NOW!

Actually, it's usually a continuation of something that we were discussing on there, that i wasn't smart enough to get in during the actual televised portion.

Or "good job!"

It's an excellent question.

What I believe occurred is within those compactors, you can generally find some corroded areas, where a small compactor-monster - a baby, if you will - could find respite.

My guess is through the years he had worn that small opening into a home den. And had been trained in a skinnerian fashion to retreat to it, upon hearing the giant grinding gears of the compactor kicking in.

I can't prove it, but in my heart, I believe it to be true.

It wasn't a joke. It was during a very difficult time, during the writer's strike, and he's a guy that i really respect and admire, and i heard he was really disappointed in me for coming back on the air, and so we had a conversation that got heated, but I think hopefully we both ended up with a better understanding of each other's position on it, and have since become friendly.

1) I mean, I think like any of these shows, you try to create an atmosphere that's conducive to the show finding its unique voice. Which is why I think Larry Willmore is such a tremendous choice in the way that Stephen was. I always think the most important aspect of those shows is the filter through which the host can put his individual stamp on the material.

2) I found my style inspiration in 8th grade at a Molly Hatchet concert, and I've never looked back.

1) Hahahahaha! First of all, thank you for thinking I'm not dead yet. That means that the espresso colonic that i am hooked into on a 24 hour basis is doing its job.

2) I'm not exactly sure the flavor but it would involve Matzo and lactose-free milk.

3) I think whatever he chooses to do will be sustainable, because of the amount of talent and passion that he brings to everything that he does. And it's not even a question of pride as much as respect and admiration.

AND not to mention he occasionally allows me to stroke the dimples (!!!).

I guess I'd have to say DIE HARD, and...

wait! How did that happen?

Uh, I would absolutely. I always enjoyed it. It reminds me of everything thanksgiving i had growing up, where my relatives would come over. And we would always end up screaming and yelling over plates of gravy and cranberry sauce, and then laughing our asses off while watching football later.

Stephen smells like - it's a cross between -

Squints into distance

Persimmons and a tattered copy of THE HOBBIT.

stares

Pro...is you get nicer treatment than you deserve, in many arenas.

The con is: people occasionally call you a "fucking scumbag" on the street in front of your family.

That's a good question.

I think I was... sad. For the individual that i knew as a friend.

And that colored, you know, the general process of creating the humor. I also think I may have overcompensated by doing more material on it than we might have normally.

Uh... that is the nicest thing anybody has ever said to a 51 year old victim of male pattern baldness.

I think the big secret is never turn around. Face everyone.

Nap.

I think the first thing I might do is photocopy my balls and send it to every teacher i had in high school.

THEN, onto the legislating.

My first presidential hire would have to be Colbert.

And I would pardon... oh wow... that's a good one. I think I'm gonna have to check the list of pardon people.

There's gotta be a couple of low-level weed cases!

First of all, I reject your hypothesis.

I would first try and engage diplomatically with the cockroach and rat king and/or queen.

Hopefully, through a series of high level diplomatic discussions, a truce could be met - they would try not to surprise us when we turn on lights, we would outlaw the soles of shoes, and swear to never clean up after eating.

I believe we could live together happily here.

I think I was imagining all the other young women in her same position who show such grace and courage in pursuing their dreams in the face of terrible,terrible consequence and obstacles.

Uh... I would say Abraham Lincoln.

For the obvious historical importance aspect, as well as the "secret to the confidence of being able to rock the top hat and Amish beard."

Respect.

Honestly, it was just a chance to hang out with Robert Rodriguez for a couple of weeks in Austin, TX.

If someone said to you:"Come to Austin, hang out with Robert Rodriguez" and all it'll cost you is at some point, someone will jam a pen filled with methamphetamines in your eye - wouldn't you do that too?

I miss my awesome beard so much.

The sad thing was, the last time that I had a strong relationship with him was before I started the show, and I remembered him as red and brown and luxurious. When we met again, last summer, I had no idea how he had been suffering. Somehow, all the minerals or color or whatever it was had been sucked away from him, and I found myself in Gandalf-land.

I have always enjoyed hanging out with Jerry who is (for comedians) someone you're in a little bit of awe of.

He is - it's like being in the presence of a master craftsman. And watching him work, or being able to make him laugh, is - whether you're sitting in the front seat of a '76 off-brown Gremlin, or not - a pretty big deal.

Probably the time after the interview Jimmy Carter asked me if I wanted to get high, and listen to some Wu-Tang.

(*unfortunately that is not true)

BUT STILL.

Would've been sweet!

Always been an otter fan, an otter guy.

Something about the mischief. And their cute little hands.

But when you really study it, and you see that they can actually rip things apart with them, it can take a dark turn.

I feel like there's always room for good comedy. And I'm excited at the amount of people out there who are impressing.

I don't think we operate in that different a manner than most of the sort of magazine field-piece shows.

That being said, we always take somebody's complaints or reservations seriously, and look into it, but the overwhelming majority don't seem to not only have no issues with it, but are pleased with it, and the ones that do have issues are welcome to reach out, but that doesn't mean that they're right in believing their views are misrepresented.

I stand by our team.

stands up, begins to sing GOD BLESS AMERICA, slowly begins to take off clothes, people in room begin vomiting.

My hope is - I certainly wouldn't rule it out. My hope is the industry doesn't either.

(*And speaking of which - this might be a nice time to say - you know, maybe if you go see the movie...)

Hehehehehee!

Uh, we have not gotten together. Since... that. And I imagine it is not forthcoming.

I really looked up to... the Monty Python guys. And the Mets. Strange bedfellows.

I wouldn't suggest that they were hostages. I would imagine they are most just a reflection.

She is breaking my balls like nobody's business.

I've gotta go with the classics. Your cheeseburger / fry / milkshake. Your pizza. Your solid steak. Steak and mash. Nice gravy. I'm not the most adventurous of eaters.

So keep that aioli shit from me.

I mean, I don't like to be trite with it, but it's hard to top Superman.

To be fair, though, I was always a huge fan of the X-Men series before it got too timetravely for me to figure out what was going on.

Unfortunately that's something I don't know I would have any idea about. I would certainly hope not. But as I have been taught, Father knows Best.

Don't ride it too hard! Sometimes college kids put inordinate amounts of pressure on themselves for each individual class or moment. If you end up relatively hard working, and sane, you're gonna do okay.

A small redheaded girl with a dog once told me that "the sun would come out, tomorrow."

I didn't believe her at first.

And yet...

Here we are.

Thank you.

sings

THE SUN'LL COME OUT TOMORROW! BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT TOMORROW...

It's gotta be at least 2?

The child in the film - people believe the child in the film was played by the Sprouse twins. It was actually the guy from STAR WARS who played R2D2 in a little boy suit.

Dill pickle chips, coleslaw, nice slab of cheese, and a little Russian dressing.

I fucking LOVE science.

I'm unfortunately an enormous fan of almost every movie that I go to see.

I'm that annoying person that walks out of every movie and goes THATWASUNBELIEVABLE! Can't believe they figured out how to train a DRAGON!

That being said, I'd have to put almost any Scorsese movie at the top of the list. I had to learn how to do accents somewhere.

For me, the collaboration under very intense conditions was the most gratifying. To have all those individuals, so accomplished in their particular discipline - cinematography, production design, acting - and see them elevate the script and add value and inspiration in a way that I couldn't have imagined was very, very exciting.

I think it also made me appreciate the same value within my coworkers here.

I met Don when he performed at Carnegie Hall. Don is truly one of the sweetest, and kindest, men in the business I've ever met. Not to tell tales out of school, maybe the finest smelling human being I know. Like a mix between Sinatra and a pastry.

Sadly, I'm not sure I've ever eaten there.

I believe it is a stand-in. That, for no apparent reason, we delight in shitting on.

I think the best part is that it allows you to get into a good creative rhythm. As well as allowing you to make good on shows that didn't quite achieve what you wanted them to.

The tough part is when a show really does fall into that sweet spot, you feel like all the jokes hit, and the intention of it was really clear, and there's no moment to savor, either. Because either way, it's time to make the donuts.

I'm not ten.

Trying to earn money. To buy a phonograph player.

American soccer has advanced so dramatically in the days since i played that I almost don't recognize it. It's very inspirational to watch them now competing on a world stage with powers like Portugal and Italy and holding their own. I look for more good things.

Ray Lamontagne is the soundtrack to my house right now. I can always rock a good Springsteen or Foo Fighters. But that doesn't mean I don't occasionally shake it off, shake it off, shake-shake-shake-shake it, shake shake it off, player! Shake!

I'm gonna say waffle. But it also depends on what you're talking about in terms of fillings. I feel that the waffle is... a strong conduit for a fruit-based or a sweet-based addition. It's somehow - in terms of waffle-to-filling ratio - is more robust.

That being said, you can't argue with a stackable food, such as the pancake.

For me, it's always when I have friends on and it dissolves into a giggle fit, which I'm sure must be sooo pleasant to watch.

I'm not sure who would win, but I could tell you who would lose, and that would be me. Just on a bone-density level.