Hugh Grant (2014)

I do feel guilty.

It's all a terrible lie. And if it's any comfort - in real life, I'm a nightmare in any kind of relationship. These are all inventions just to make people miserable.

Ehm - well, when it comes to acting, he would win. But if it came to a straight fistfight, I would take that bitch down.

You're very nice to say that. But in fact, I am told that I do look pretty baggy now. Someone on Twitter the other day said I had a face like a scrotum. So I'm afraid I have no tips. You should ask someone else.

I will pour almost anything down my throat, I'm afraid.

I was very flattered to be asked to be in that.

Because I'm a huge fan of the Wachowskis. Ehm - I hope I didn't let them down. But I must admit that a flesh-eating cannibal from the future turned out to be harder than I thought it was going to be.

I kept wishing someone would give me a funny line.

I loved my time on Top Gear, and I was extremely proud of how speedy I was.

Ehm - I think you should have a Nathan's hot dog. But only one. I once made the mistake of having 4 for lunch. And was unable to return to the film set in the afternoon.

Absolutely none. I'm a bitter and disappointed man.

It's pretty much lovely all around, to tell the truth. And don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Like most Englishmen, hair washing is an annual event. I believe mine is coming up in November, when my whole family likes to wash their hair together.

Thank you very much for liking my dancing.

You may be the first person, ever.

And yes, I did make up a number of those moves. Especially the "motorcycle" move.

Which I now see widely imitated in the nightclubs of Ibiza.

Ehm - I really only watch motor racing. But I do quite like Modern Family.

All I can remember was fear and dread knowing that I was going to have to do that dancing scene at some point. They kept asking me to rehearse, and I refused.

Sadly, I've been so involved with this political campaign here in the UK for the last 3 years that I haven't had time to put pen to paper. But I do still have that half-finished novel. And the genre I would describe it was would be "black comedy" or "film noir" with the emphasis on the noir, because it all takes place inside the boot of a car.

I'm just glad that it turned out well. Halfway through filming, they screened about 20 minutes of the film for the cast and crew. There wasn't a single laugh in it. And I had to be helped, sobbing, back to the set to work that afternoon.

It wasn't my choice. It just seems to be what happened. I have acted in quite a few films in other genres, it's just that no one seems to have watched them.

I do occasionally bump into her. But I don't call her anymore. Not since the restraining order.

I never was offered James Bond, sadly. Which is a shame, because I think I would look nice in a white tuxedo. And I do love to kill.

Well, sometimes it's just that the script makes me laugh. Which was the case with this film, The Rewrite. Other times I'm just curious as to why on earth they would offer me such a part. Which was more the case with the Cloud Atlas role, for instance.

Heh. English people say "whoops-a-daisies" on average every 3 minutes. So yes, of course I've used it.

Heh. I'm having a lovely day, thank you. I'm being ferried around from studio to studio, doing interviews for this new film, and so far I haven't lost my temper.

I've always cherished the role of the Hulk, and am furious no one has offered it to me.

I would have liked to. But Emma was very fussy about her own script. And would threaten me with physical violence if I changed a single syllable. So no.

I have a complicated procedure with tea and biscuits that involves licking all the chocolate off of a chocolate Digestive biscuit, throwing the biscuit away, and then throwing the tea away, because by that time it's gotten cold.

Ehm... I once had to do a scene with a giraffe. It was challenging. The giraffe was actually excellent. But I was not at my best that day. I've also worked with a live grizzly bear, who was charming. And with whom I talked about theater during the lunch break.

I can be nervous and difficult about acting in all of those places. But I do quite like the way the Americans are less devoted to the script, and everyone mutters around with the lines, and improvises. That seems to help my nerves.

I'd have to say that was Batman, from the original 1960's tv series. I had, when I was 7, I had a utility belt, a Bat-cape, Bat handkerchiefs, and I still to this day sometimes like to wear my underpants outside my tights.

Don't wash too often. It will make the locals suspicious of you. Learn to love Dairlea and Marmite.

Ehm - I always love shooting in France. They don't start work until 11 AM. And there are bottles of wine on the breakfast buffet.

Heh. Ehm - that's a good question, I don't have a good answer.

I like people who like Bitter Moon. Do you smoke a lot of pot?

As for my favorite movie I've ever done, it's hard to say. But I do have a soft spot for the cartoon I made about pirates a couple of years ago.

Ehm - I highly recommend The Lair of the White Worm, in which I bravely take on a terrifying giant earth-worm. It co-stars the new Doctor Who, Peter Capaldi. And was made in 1988. With very dodgy special effects.

I'm not sure that my musical taste is very cutting-edge.

I very much like military bands, The Sound of Music, and above all, the Gypsy Kings. I met one of the Gypsy Kings this morning. He had a radio interview, and I practically fainted with excitement.

Caramel is what you eat, Carmel is where Clint Eastwood lives.

Guy is clearly a genius.

But his style is, ehm, remarkably laid-back. I have seen him playing chess and playing the guitar while I was busy trying to act. I can only assume this was a reflection on the quality of my acting.

I used to have a parallel career in advertising.

Which I quite enjoyed. I was completely unprincipled, and would advertise absolutely anything for money. It was all quite fun.

I don't think I have one, I'm sorry.

I loved that experience. Partly because those Aardman Animators are geniuses. And partly because it was nice not to have to sit in hair & makeup at 6 AM.

I could rely on a lump of plasticine to do the visual side for me.

I'd love to do more animated films.

I would start with a delicious processed cheese called Dairylea, which is I believe 90% chemical. I was brought up on it, and always look for it among the cheese boards at those expensive restaurants.

I have played villains. In fact, before Four Weddings and a Funeral, I played so many that people used to ask me "Didn't you ever want to play a nice guy?"

Generally speaking, I was an evil champagne baron selling the family champagne to the Nazis. I think I played that role about 12 times.

Ehm - I'm afraid I haven't really seen Doctor Who. So it's Patrick Troughton in the 1960's. It was too frightening for me then, especially the Daleks. And even the theme music makes me reach for a cushion to this day.

Ehm - I... I don't have any particular direction with regards to films that I do. Just occasionally something tickles my fancy. And I do it.

I have in fact tinkered with a number of scripts that I've been involved with.

And I do have a list in my iPhone of ideas for a full-length script. It's just a question of having the discipline to get down to it.

I would like to do that. I often think the only person having fun on a film set is the director.